A Suicide Is On My Side.

I sit here
Wrapped in a noxious blanket of cold a fear.
What frightening emotions envelope me
As darkness blinds nearly all that I cannot see.
Cold sweat drips down my pale, hot flesh
Knowing I have been exiled to a deadly, hot mess.

I lie against icy tiles
So chilled that the cold seeps through my skin
And locks my muscles up as if I had run miles.
What greedy, pernicious sin
Keeps me hostage within darkness so thick?
Anxiety lifts an urge to crack in my own teeth with a brick.

Now on my back
Staring up at the ceiling,
Thinking my skull will crack
As my skin begins peeling
Away from muscle as my mind commands.
Work done with my own two hands.

Paralyzed
Sitting in a pool of hot blood
Spurting out of wounds like aimless mud,
I then realized
There is a monster eating me alive.
Invisible, a virus, that is inside.

My back arched,
My throat too parched
To give out screams so loud
That they would make lions proud.
Bloodied fingernails dig into my chest
Snapping flesh and bones, unable to comprehend the best.

But taunted by my own monster so kind,
I jam my fingers deeper inside
Coated in boiling blood, a loss that leaves me blind.
A suicide is on my side.
My body convulses
Through veins, black blood pulses.

An evil within me begs to be let out.
Bliss overwhelms me, something I, too, doubt.
In constant torture over my mind,
Emotions whirl and thoughts wind
Around a solution necessary to find
A suicide that is on my side

I begin to hate
Everything I once loved.
My hand jerks inward, deeper it shoves
As I see my inevitable fate.
Fingers wrap around my erratic, beating heart
And with a sharp tug do, dearly, we depart.

My body is nothing more than lead.
I recall nothing inside of my head
Except the sweet loving words that my mother once said:
"Mama loves you," a whisper uttered. "I will never lose you."
Words too kind and too late to commit true
As I lie on icy tiles – covered in blood – dead.

I stand over my body so mangled and cold.
I could have lived happy, survived an age so old.
Regret clenches my throat as Mama passes my brain
And with tears in my eyes, I conclude no monster, only I was insane.
I collapse to my knees and cry like I had never cried.
Tonight, unfortunately, a suicide was on my side.